21 things that will happen when the IPL is nationalised

1. The new Commissioner of the IPL, replacing Lalit Modi, will be an IAS officer, 1989 batch, transferred from the Food Corporation of India

2. Mayawati will demand, however, that the new Chairman should be her own candidate, Mr Dalit Modi. 

3. The name of Mumbai Indians will immediately be changed to Mumbai Manus. It will, naturally, field only Maharashtrians (preferably Maharshtrian Brahmins). All other players will have their legs broken. Zaheer Khan will have his house burned down. So will Irfan Pathan, Yusuf Pathan and Mohammed Kaif.

4. The Chennai Super Kings team will be renamed Dravida Cricket Kazhagam. Subsequently one faction will break away and the team will split into DCK (DMK) and AIADCK, owing allegience to Karunanidhi and Jayalalitha, respectively.

5. Each political party will have its own team: BJP Bandits, Congress Cobras, CPI Cadres, Samajwadi Strikers, CPM Challengers, Trinamul Tigers, et cetera.

6. Auction of players will be replaced by teams calling for tenders for players. The lowest priced players will be picked.

7. Cheerleaders will be replaced by honourable ministers who will give speeches during breaks in the match.

8. Sonia Gandhi will insist that 30% of each team should be reserved for be women.

9. Mayawati will demand SC~ST players will need to run for only 18 yards instead of 22 yards between the wickets. 

10. Third Umpire requests will have to be filled in triplicate and duly notarised.

11. All Third Umpire decisions will be referred to a Joint Parlimentary Commission.

12. IPL tickets will henceforth be available at all post offices and BSNL centres from 10 a.m. to 12:45 p.m. The facility to purchase tickets on your cell phone will immediately be withdrawn.

13. Replacing an injured foreign player can be done only through a Tatkal application submitted 48 hours after a government doctor examines him.

14. Cheerleaders will be replaced by retired Air-India flight attendants.

15. The new cheerleaders will perform the folk dances of the states they represent during breaks.

16. IPL matches will be shown only on Doordarshan. They will be telecast the day immediately following the match, from 4 a.m. to 7:30 a.m. and subsequently from 3:30 a.m. to 7 p.m, subject to satellite link-up availability.

17. Between each innings break Doordarshan will telecast the news in Hindi, followed by news for the hearing impaired.

18. Agricultural shots can be played only during the phase of the game termed "Krishi Darshan".

19. There will be no matches on weekends or on national/regional holidays.

20. The three stumps will be painted saffron, white and green. 

21. Pakistan will immediately announce its intention to start its own version of the tournament called PPL, and Mr Zardari will make a visit to Washington to meeet President Obama and seek an additional grant of $1 billion to fund it.

-source: a random website

22 THINGS A NRI DOES........

Top 22 things an Indian does after returning to India from "US"

22. Use Nope for No and Yep for Yes.

21. Tries to use credit card in road side hotel.

20. Drinks and carries mineral water and always speaks of health conscious.

19. Sprays deo such so that he doesn't need to take bath.

18. Sneezes and says 'Excuse me'.

17. Says "Hey" instead of "Hi".
Says "Yogurt" instead says "Curds".
Says "Cab" instead of "Taxi".
Says "Candy" instead of "Chocolate".
Says "Cookie" instead of "Biscuit".
Says " Free Way " instead of "Highway".
Says "got to go" instead of "Have to go".
Says "Oh" instead of "Zero", (for 704, says Seven Oh Four Instead of Seven Zero Four)

16. Doesn't forget to crib about air pollution. Keeps cribbing every time he steps out.

15. Says all the distances in Miles (Not in Kilo Meters), and counts in Millions. (Not in Lakhs)

14. Tries to figure all the prices in Dollars as far as possible (but deep down the heart multiplies by 48 times).

13. Tries to see the % of fat on the cover of a milk pocket.

12. When need to say Z (zed), never says Z (Zed), repeats "Zee" several times, if the other person unable to get, then says X, Y Zee(but never says Zed)

11. Writes date as MM/DD/YYYY, on watching traditional DD/MM/YYYY, says "Oh! British Style!!!!"

10. Makes fun of Indian Standard Time and Indian Road Conditions.

9. Even after 2 months, complaints about "Jet Lag".

8. Avoids eating more chili (hot) stuff.

7. Tries to drink "Diet Coke", instead of Normal Coke.

6. Tries to complain about any thing in India as if he is experiencing it for the first time.

5. Pronounces "schedule" as "skejule", and "module" as "mojule".

4. Looks suspiciously towards Hotel/Dhaba food.

Few more important

3. From the luggage bag, does not remove the stickers of Airways by which he traveled back to India , even after 4 months of arrival.

2. Takes the cabin luggage bag to short visits in India, tries to roll the bag on Indian Roads.

Ultimate one:
1.. Tries to begin conversation with "In US ...." or "When I was in US..."

ON EMERGENCY, CALL 112

112 (the magic number) is the worldwide Emergency number for Mobile . If you find yourself out of coverage area of your mobile network and there is an emergency, dial 112and the mobile will search any existing network to establish the emergency number for you, and interestingly …this number 112 can be dialed even while the keypad is locked. Try it out.

Mobile phones can be used in countries with different emergency numbers. A traveller visiting a foreign country does not have to know the local emergency numbers, however. The mobile phone and the SIM card have a preprogrammed list of emergency numbers. When the user tries to set up a call using an emergency number known by a GSM(Global System for Mobile communications) phone, the special emergency call setup takes place. The actual number is not even transmitted into network, but the network redirects the emergency call to the local emergency desk. Most GSM mobile phones can dial emergency calls even when the phone keyboard is locked, the phone is without a SIM card, or an emergency number is entered instead of the PIN.

GSM mobile phones have 112 as pre-programmed emergency number which is always available.The SIM card issued by the operator can contain additional country-specific emergency numbers that can be used even when roaming abroad. The GSM network can also update the list of well-known emergency numbers when the phone registers to it.

Using an emergency number recognized by a GSM phone like 112 instead of another emergency number may be advantageous, since GSM phones and networks give special priority to emergency calls. A phone dialing an emergency service number not recognized by it may refuse to roam onto another network, leading to trouble if there is no access to the home network. Dialing a known emergency number like 112 forces the phone to make the call possible on any network.

SARDAR's ARE INTELLIGENT TOO

Most times Sardars are portrayed as foolish people. Infact, they are not. They are really hard-working. And in my experience of two years stay @ North India; I have never seen a Sardar begging in the streets .Sikhs are one of the most prosperous and diversified communities in the world. The secret behind their universal success, according to me, is their willingness to do any job with utmost dedication. So, if you find any Sardarji jokes just laugh at it and forget it. Please free the misconception that Sardarjis are insane.

Below are few Intelligent Sardarji jokes. Read them.... love them….

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Teacher: what do u call a person who cannot hear anything?
sardar: u can call him anything, because he cannot hear anything

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A Sardarji and an American are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York. The American asks if he would like to play a fun game.

The Sardarji, tired, just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The American persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me five dollars, and vice versa."

Again, he declines and tries to get some sleep.

The American, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the Sardarji's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game.

The American asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The Sardarji doesn't say a word, reaches into his wallet,pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the American.

"Okay," says the American, "your turn".

He asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The American, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer & searches all his preferences........no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress... no answer.

Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers but to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes the Sardarji and hands him $500.

The Sardarji thanks him and turns back to get some more sleep.

The American, who is more than a little miffed, stirs the Sardarji and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the Sardarji reaches into his purse,hands the merican $5,and goes back to sleep.

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A Sardar died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gate Saint Peter told him that new rules here in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly soul must answer two questions:

1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T".

2. How many seconds are there in a year?

The Sardar thought for a few minutes and answered..

1. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow.

2. There are 12 seconds in a year. Saint Peter said, "OK, Ill buy the Today and Tomorrow answer, even though its not the answer I expected.

But how did you get 12 seconds in a year?" The Singh replied, "Well, January 2^nd, February 2^nd, March 2^nd, etc..." Saint Peter opens the gate without another word.

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A sardarji comes up to the Pakistan border on his bike. He's got two large bags over his shoulders.

The guard Iqbal stops him and says, 'What's in the bags?' 'Sand,' answered the Sardarji.

Iqbal says, 'We'll just see about that. Get off the bike.'

Iqbal's guard takes the bags and rips them apart, he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains the sardarji all night and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. Iqbal releases the sardaji, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the sardarji's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. Iqbal asks, 'What have you got?' 'Sand,' says the Sardarji.

Iqbal does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to the Sardar, and crosses the border on his bike. This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years.

Finally, the Sardarji doesn't show up one day and the guard, Iqbal, meets him in a 'Dhaba' in Islamabad.

'Hey, Buddy,' says Iqbal, 'I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about...I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?'

The Sardaji, sips his Lassi and says, 'Bikes'

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----------By a true Tamilian

NASA AND ITS PEN

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 degrees Celsius.

I did nothing at that time.........